Chemistry vs. Connection

Recently, I came across a video on Instagram that talked about how connection is something that is already there. You can’t build or force it. In the video, it talked about how two people meet and hit it off and then go 5, 10, 20 years without speaking and or seeing each other and meet up again and it’s like no time has escaped them. That’s how connection works.

You can obviously have a great connection with someone in various situations. Whether it be on the job, through a friendship, or maybe even a client. Today though, we want to talk about connection within a relationship. I feel this is key because with so many divorces that have occurred in just this season alone, one thing stuck out to me. And that was that many confuse chemistry with connection or they’ll engage with a partner based off of chemistry alone.

Let’s compare the two first though:

Chemistry: (noun) the complex emotional or psychological interaction between two people.

Connection: (noun) a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else.

So from those two definitions it is very easy to see and understand why two people who have great chemistry with one another but no connection can say, “Hey, let’s get married”. And then 5, 10, 15 years later opt in for a divorce or to separate from one another.

When we choose our partner based on chemistry alone, the relationship is deemed to eventually end its course. No matter whether it happens in one year or takes over ten years, when the connection just isn’t there it gets harder to “fake the funk”.

It’s imperative that we have both chemistry and connection. Connection is what links everything together. It’s where understand each other comes in and where that REAL communication comes in. Chemistry is great, don’t get me wrong, but it starts to eventually suffer when that’s all you have with someone.

Let’s look at scenarios where chemistry played and can play a huge part in marriage and relationships.

Tia Mowry recently filed for divorce from her husband Cory Hardwick after 14 years of marriage. They have two beautiful children together; however, for those that have followed their journey, Tia was very instrumental in helping Cory get his life together back in the day. He rose to stardom because of her. He was homeless when they met and she took him. The chemistry aspect for them was the emotional interaction. She probably believed in him when know one else did.

The above for many is a beautiful story right? Let’s admit. Most men would marry the woman that is their Tia without question! Let’s not even think about the connection because she was there for you at your lowest. But eventually, for the other person, in this case being Tia, what does she benefit from all of this? Again, a marriage is two people coming together as one, but there are still two individual people within the unit. When there’s no connection, ultimately, there’s nothing linking these two people on a deep level—kids or no kids.

Speaking of kids, let’s look at another scenario.

Tom and Tina have been talking for a minute. They both really like each other. Tina doesn’t have any kids but she is very nurturing by nature and has plenty of younger cousins and nieces and nephews that she tends to. Tom has a young daughter and is at this time a “single father”. Tom and Tina decide to move in together and Tina is an instant “mom” and is amazing with Tom’s daughter. Tom admires this about Tina and decides you know what let me marry her. They marry and he gives her a baby of her own. Years later it just isn’t working out so they decide to divorce.

Tom and Tina also had not only an emotional interaction, but it was also psychological.

In both scenarios where was the friendship? Where was that I can talk to this person about things that I can’t talk to anyone else about? When it comes to connection, we go deep with one another.

However, as humankind, we tend to get so wrapped up in the chemistry that we often can stop there because it feels good. It feels good within that moment or several moments that end up lasting for years until one party or both realize that something is missing.

For men, you can spoil your girlfriend or wife with everything. You can set her up in a home, but her a car, pay off her car, pay her bills, pay for her wants, etc., but if there’s no connection eventually she’ll realize something is missing.

For women, you can spoil your boyfriend or husband by cooking, cleaning, pleasuring him in the bedroom, and being a good mother, but if there’s no connection he too will realize that something is missing.

Connection is felt in the beginning just as chemistry is, so it’s not something counseling can start or fix. If the connection isn’t there, it just isn’t there.

Below is a video that talks about the five things we should look at when identifying our soul mate (hence, that one who is truly for us). The subject of chemistry and connection pop up on the list as well.