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During the dating years, my heart has become the stomping ground and a merry-go-round. The men eagerly hop on in laughter and smiles, only to jump off when things start moving fast. After they meet the other version of Christy they get dizzy. I am either too much or not enough. The song by Sam Smith, “ I’m way too good at goodbyes.” has become the soundtrack to my love life. We meet, our minds connect deeply and intimately, our souls touch before our bodies, and a fire ignites only to go out as quickly as it started.
As you may know, I am diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I hoped to have a normal healthy love, some consistency that I found hard to find in life itself. Turns out your life in all areas match your mind and thoughts, so it should be no surprise to me or you that my love life has been up and down. There are no in-betweens with me, you’re either in or out. My entire life from the cradle to the grave it seems has been this way. I suppose it’s because God feels the same way as me.
In the process of engaging in romantic relationships, I have to be in control of my emotions while being concerned with the feelings and thoughts of others. Something most would consider normal, but for those of us recovering from deep-rooted trauma, it’s extremely exhausting, especially if the other person is manipulative and lacking in emotional intelligence. Triggers from unhealed wounds have been the death of many relationships. I cannot know when one will occur in order to dodge the bullet, in the end, we both become victims. Therapy is ongoing for the decades of trauma. Only God and love can can completely scab over soul wounds. Until the end with my heart tucked in his hands I will keep going. God says I am worthy of a love that last.
I have details to share but believe in 2023 if you’re following me, that information is worthy of popcorn and the price of admission. Stay tuned.
To those who follow my work, comment, like or share, thank you for engaging and feeling inspired. You matter..
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